Dear Male Colleague

I started writing this to a specific person after dealing with a situation I found difficult in my professional life.  But looking back on it, I think the message in this letter was bigger than just this one situation, it is something I have wanted to say to other men I've encountered, and that other people might benefit from hearing, thinking about, and connecting with.

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Dear Male Colleague,

I meant to say this yesterday: I wanted to say thank you.  And I think I will be more eloquent in writing, rather than trying to say this all in person . . .

Thank you very much for helping me deal with this whole situation.

I was incredibly anxious about that meeting.  I actually avoided eating most of the morning because I was so nervous I felt sick.  Knowing that you supported me, and getting your advice, and also sort of having you challenge me to handle this, that I WAS capable, gave me the confidence to take control of the situation and to believe that although I probably wouldn't handle it perfectly (if that's even possible) I could figure out a way of doing it professionally and as gracefully as possible.

I honestly don't think I would have addressed it as calmly, or even at all, without your help.  More likely, I would have continued to silently and miserably simmering away until my head exploded!

I also want to point out that allowing me the space and safety to be ticked off and angry about things (and sometimes joining me in that!) was a part of this.  It greatly helped me stop myself from falling into my default female programming of trying to be conciliatory at the expense of my own needs and beliefs, and of apologizing and shouldering responsibility for things that are not my fault.  I constantly do this.  This is something that I have been trying to unlearn, but too frequently I disappoint myself and do not succeed in this.  It felt really good to finally break out of that programming, stand my ground, and stand up for myself--- and prove to myself that I could actually do those things (and the world did not end)!

Expressing my dissatisfaction and expectations, upfront, without being completely crippled by a fear of a hurricane of blowback, blame, shame and guilt, is something that is a huge difficulty for me. Setting aside the specifics of the situation, handling the meeting and having it not result in some kind of catastrophic mess really felt like a huge personal victory.  I seriously felt in some way like a new person professionally.  Like I might actually be able to be a #bosslady someday in a way I'd never imagined I could before.

I know there is a lot of talk/research/evidence/experiences etc. about how men do not support or listen to women in numerous ways, especially professionally.  But as much as I have experienced prejudice, disrespect, and harassment, I have worked with some men who have shown me another wonderful reality, and it's something that I return to when I am feeling dejected about these things: that there ARE men who not only treat the women coworkers with respect and professionalism, but who are great supporters and advocates of them as well.  You are one of those people for me.

So, thank you.  I hope others learn from your example.

Being a Boss with a Compulsion to Apologize

I'm not a huge Lena Dunham fan.  She's an outspoken champion for women, so I feel obligated to pay attention to her.  But her show hasn't enticed me; I read Not That Kind of Girl and personally found much of it unsympathetic and unrelatable.  I've subscribed to her newsletter, Lenny, but more often than not I just roll my eyes at the titles and delete them.  For the most part, her work is just not my style . . . and because of that I often don't give her a break.

For some reason I read her recent post for LinkedIn:  Sorry, Not Sorry: My Apology Addiction.  (Maybe it had something to do with her fantastic headshot at the top of the article.)  Once I got past the trendy title, and the Beyonce-referencing first paragraph, I was ready to dismiss the article as yet another redundant---however earnest and frankly accurate--- piece about how women apologize too much and need to learn to have more confidence.  But then I got to this paragraph:

"I say sorry all day . . . I am a woman who is sometimes right, sometimes wrong but somehow always sorry. And this has never been more clear to me than in the six years since I became a boss." (emphasis mine)

I realized that Dunham was talking about my experiences.  As someone who runs a team and has direct reports, I have to make decisions and tell people what to do.  Most of the time the team works in harmony.  But as with anything, screw ups and disagreements happen.  Sometimes decisions have to be made that can't please everyone.  This falls to me, and I'm ok with that.

19 Practical Steps You Can Take to Making Your Workplace Better for Women

Inspired by 35 Practical Steps Men Can Take to Support Feminism, here are some practical steps men and women can take (and are taking) to make the workplace better for women that go beyond the obvious of don't touch, harass, or sexually harass them.

Even if some of these seem bizarre or outlandish, I am including them because I've witnessed them occur several times and/or heard stories from other women about these things happening perpetually.

1.  Listen to women when they speak.

People have a habit of ignoring what women say, or assuming that they don't know what they are talking about.  Sometimes it seem like men in a meeting are just waiting for women to shut up so they can talk.  Women will also undersell how good their ideas are.  But women can offer just as much to a conversation as a man.   Listen to what they are saying.  Especially if they are talking about sexism.

2.  When you praise women, praise them for things other than "feminine" behavior.

There is nothing more defeating than working really hard at your job, only to ever get praise for being "nurturing" and "making people smile" and attending to the needs of others.  Praise women for being actually good at their jobs and praise them for the things that make them assets to your team/company.  Don't praise them for performing gender roles and for generic qualities that have nothing to do with their job.

3.  Don't make jokes about your female coworkers being pregnant.  Especially around clients or guests!

While there is nothing wrong with a woman being pregnant--- whether she's single, in a relationship, or married--- women still face a lot of stigma about their sexuality.  Making jokes about a woman being pregnant (especially if she is unmarried) can imply that she is careless, unfit for work, promiscuous, and possibly sexually available in ways that she isn't.  People who are not familiar with the woman (clients and guests) will not understand the nuances of the joke and may draw unfair, harmful conclusions about your female coworker.  It may also imply to the woman that her coworkers spend their time thinking about her sexually rather than professionally, and that they are ok advertising this.  This can make the workplace uncomfortable for her.

Opinion: Inspired by “Talking About Bias & Speaking While Female”

I want to thank TwoEsforMee for her recent post: “Talking About Bias; Speaking While Female.”  It made me think harder about many things we have discussed here on the blog and I want to offer a longer comment before all these thoughts evaporate. 

The Sandberg Paradox

It is easy to pick on Sheryl Sandberg because she is putting herself and her ideas out into the world, but I think her efforts are slowly proving the futility of her perspective.   When I reviewed Lean In early in our blog’s development, I highlighted two somewhat divergent approaches to the "women in the workplace" issue: the institutional perspective and the leadership perspective.  The institutional perspective focuses on systemic barriers like sexism, inadequate childcare and/or maternity leave, inflexible scheduling, etc.  In contrast, the leadership perspective focuses on what individual professional women can do to improve their career prospects.  Sandberg acknowledges the institutional perspective but generally operates under the leadership perspective.

Unfortunately, the leadership perspective is not holding up well in practice.  Sandberg seems to eat her words more and more as time passes.  As TwoEsforMee noted in her post, one of the main calls to arms in the Lean In movement, discussing discrimination, appears to be backfiring, or at least requiring heavy qualifications.  Similarly, many women’s personal experiences (including my own) illustrate the entrenched barriers in women’s workplace environments.  Even Lean In seemed to contradict itself, with chapters alternately telling women to a) stand up for themselves but b) not making too much fuss in case someone thinks they are bitchy.

The more Sandberg champions the leadership perspective, the more the outcomes seem to support the institutional perspective.  It is nearly impossible to walk the tightrope (leadership perspective), when the weather is terrible and everyone around you thinks you should not be walking in the first place (institutional perspective).

The Leadership Perspective as a Distraction?

Given the leadership perspective's apparent ineffectiveness, why does it persist?   Because we want it to be true.  

We want to believe that with the right suit, resume format, business speak, and hard work we too can overcome adversity and become the next woman leader.  This delusion is not limited to the women's community.  Upward mobility had stagnated for many groups and self-help books are as popular as ever.  But I believe we are doing ourselves a disservice when we persist in asking powerful women like Sheryl Sandberg, Hillary Clinton, and Oprah their secrets for success.  Lean In is full of typical answers about assertiveness and communication skills, but all this seems shockingly incomplete and ultimately insufficient.  None of it would have helped in my sexist project experience, nor will it do much for TwoE'sforMe as she tries to navigate the patriarchal world of medicine.

In the end, the real answer seems to be locate a supportive environment.  In Sandberg's case, the supportive environment came from good workplaces, mentors, and life partners.  Others have succeeded after building their own supportive environments (see L's review posts of #GIRLBOSS). Either way, this is unambiguously an institutional perspective solution dressed up to look like leadership in hindsight.  

Finding or developing a supportive environment is not easy by any means, but it is much more likely to pay off than fretting over your communication strategies.  It does involve personal initiative, but initiative that focuses on your needs (not someone else's "role model" path) and your environment, rather than viewing your situation as some personal leadership failure.  

The institutional or work-environment approach also broadens the range of potential allies.  Everyone benefits from inclusive and supportive environments: families, racial minorities, the disabled, women, the LGBT community . . . the list could go on for a while.  Even the "corporate" interests would benefit from greater worker morale and productivity.  Feminist issues move from being "women's" issues to being workplace issues with a broad coalition of support.

So I applaud Sheryl Sandberg for her efforts, but I worry that they represent a distraction from practical realities and effective initiative.  I for one will focus on finding or building a supportive work environment for myself in the future.