Standards

Over the last few months, I’ve sat down to write this blog post numerous times, and ended up staring at my computer screen. I’ve been struggling with my thoughts and how best to piece them together on a page so that they resemble something halfway intelligent. Today, I decided to say screw it, and just go with whatever ends up on the page, so if it gets crazy off topic, forgive me. Let’s get started.

All my life, I’ve been a numbers person. I’ve always noticed trends and patterns with numbers, and I enjoyed noticing them and making sense of them. Then I started noticing trends and patterns in every day life. Those are sometimes harder to make sense of. Luckily, society tends to be numerically inclined, whether people want to admit it or not. Don’t believe me? Look at it this way: we have standards for quite literally everything. We have education standards that students (and sometimes teachers) are required to meet in order to progress or graduate. Employers have qualifications applicants must meet to even be considered for an interview for a position. We have beauty standards. We have health standards. We have standards of wealth. We have mathematical standard deviations in analyses of everything, which aim to determine how far away from the norm something is.  We have standards of proof. We have political standards, believe it or not. We have societal expectations and gender expectations, which are more or less behavioral standards. We have personal standards and dating standards and so many others that the word “standards” doesn’t even sound like a word anymore. What happens when none of these standards are good enough?

A few years ago, I knew three things in my life needed to change: where I lived, what I did, and how I lived. They weren’t necessarily mutually exclusive, and the first two definitely could’ve fallen under the third category. What I really needed to do was overhaul my life. I was unhappy, perpetually angry and short-tempered, and didn’t know where to start to make anything better. I decided to start by questioning how I got where I was.

Somehow, I had gotten off track from where I wanted to be. I spent 6 years in college and grad school in different states learning how to live as the person I (mostly) wanted to be instead of the person my hometown expected me to be. When I returned home I quickly found myself to be a square peg trying to fit into a round hole. Instead of just accepting that I was a square peg, and I had no desire to fit into a hole anyways, I forced myself into it, shaving off bits and pieces of myself as I went. In order to get back on track, I had to decide how I was going to get those pieces back. I chose to make changes in my life that let me live by my own standards.

I’m not really sure how I came to define my own personal standards. Some of them can and do overlap with what society tells us is normal or expected. Some of them I believe are better even though society tells us it might be weird. I stopped caring about what society thinks, and focused on who I wanted to be, and how I wanted to be that person. I decided that I wanted to change where I lived. I wanted to be in my own space, to be able to go to the store without seeing people who had known me since I was a kid and who had known the version of me that I no longer wanted to be. I wanted to live in a space where I could be my full self. I wanted to work in a job that I didn’t despise. I wanted a job where I could park my car and walk inside, and not spend 5 minutes in my parked car, telling myself to go into the building because I had student loans to pay. I wanted to be someone that could face her own reflection in the mirror and not just be ok with what I saw, but to be happy with it. To be able to look at my reflection and smile, not grimace or sneer or feel disheartened, turn off the bathroom light, and walk away.

I started off by making little changes. I bought clothes that made me feel powerful or comfortable or, gasp, attractive, even if it meant I was wearing a necktie or motorcycle boots. I stopped convincing myself that I would one day cave in and start wearing makeup. I started convincing myself that I didn’t need it, because I look just fine without it, and sometimes more than just fine. I started looking for apartments, for new jobs, for new opportunities. I started looking into getting a dog, because I find dogs naturally make a lot of things better. I started being my real self, after years and years of denial. I started living authentically. I started letting go of stupid, petty things. I started challenging the status quo. I started building others’ confidence, instead of standing by and watching others tear it down because that person for some reason doesn’t meet any or all of those stupid standards I named earlier. I started challenging the way people think, in polite, respectful ways. I got my knee fixed, and I went on an international vacation I’d been dreaming about for 6 years to celebrate it. I recently felt that my knee was in good enough condition to train for and run a 10k race. I got a new job and a new apartment and a puppy and I am noticeably happier…and yet, it’s not enough.

I am happier than I’ve been in a long time, and I’m continuing to take steps towards meeting certain standards I’ve set for myself. It all began when I started asking myself questions, so it seems fitting that I end this blog post with more. What happens when you work for years to meet the standards you set for yourself, only to find that they are no longer good enough? What happens when you don’t know where or how to set the new ones, so you don’t know how to go about meeting them? What do you do when you don’t know what to do?

Are you double-0 crazy? If James Bond met a feminist, or even just a real woman

I didn't make my October post yet, so I thought I'd leave this here for you all to enjoy, if you haven't seen it yet!

This video is much needed relief to me as we find ourselves in the midst of Bond adoration as the new film comes out and I have to listen to my film guy friends explain to me how masterful the movies are.  It says much more than I can ever express clearly during these conversations.



I was even recently told I couldn't just say that I didn't like Bond movies because they were sexist and just leave it at that, I had to explain myself. When one friend came to my defense and pointed out that in some of the movies the sexual escapades border on rape, that didn't seem like a valid enough explanation.  Most of the time I try to avoid having to explain myself because it's never worth the time; rather I say that the films 'aren't made for me' because they aren't.  But being told that it's my responsibility to have to explain every. single. time to men what is sexist about a sexist piece of media, really irks me because even acquiescing to that demand seems like an extension of the very patriarchal system that I'm witnessing in the stupid Bond film I'm trying not to spend any more of my life on.  Why can't men take a moment and consider my claim and see if they can figure out why lots of women find the films offensive?  I mean, I'm expected to spend hours listening to and considering men's arguments about why the films are great!

I don't feel like I am obligated to explain to people that using female characters primarily for eye candy and male wish-fulfillment is sexist because it is so obvious.  People should understand this by now.

Another common defense of the Bond franchise is that, geez, you just have to understand that they were a product of their time.  But then, I want to ask, why do we need them now?  If they are antiquated, backwards historical artifacts, why are we reproducing them and extending them and make them literally 'of our time'?  I mean, Birth of a Nation was a "product of its time,"  does that make it any less racist?  Should we all be chill with making Birth of a Nation II?  No that's ridiculous.  So is insisting the Bond franchise isn't gross and unnecessary.

The films aren't really being transformed, except maybe by delving further into the mental anguish of what it's like to be a rich, British, smug, white man with endless guns. The center pieces of the films are still objectified, male-gaze-defined 'Bond girl' (it's all in the name).  If the films didn't have them, would they even be Bond films anymore?  I think most people would argue, no they really wouldn't.  So if you remove the misogyny there's not much left except some masculine brawn.  And so why do need to make more of these other than to make a cultural record of which female body shapes were idealized over the decades?

(I mean why is Berenice Marlohe even in Skyfall?  Her character is so forgettable I can't even remember why she is there other than to be unceremoniously shot by the baddie?  Does she even have more than three lines?)

(Also please note, the author of this post never watched Quantum of Solace because she watched Casino Royale and then also Skyfall at some point and then thought, why are you doing this to yourself?)

In addition, during Bond discussions, I'm usually told to count my blessings because at least now Bond has been given the gift of introspection.  We can witness him experiencing angst like a monosyllabic, sociopathic Harry Potter.  He makes sure to spend some screen time wallowing in guilt and distress over whichever ladyfriend has recently bit the dust aka driving around on a yacht looking pensive and frowning.  Am I a force for good or a force for evil, James wonders as goons majestically and cinematicly gun down beautiful women around him.  Again.  Performing violence and abuse against female characters for the sole purpose of instigating action and character development for a male protagonist is inherently mysoginistic--- denying women of humanity, agency, or identity as anything other than vessels of moral conscious for men.  Why do I need to explain this???

Yeah, the Bond franchise is all about male fantasy, and I'm not ok with what that fantasy is.

P.S.  Ok and way, maybe Namoi Harris' Moneypenny is a bit more progressive.  And Judi Dench is M or whatever and this is a step in the right direction.  But honestly is it really progressive?  I'd have to actually spend more time evaluating the storylines and the objectification of Harris to see if this is really valid--- and right now I'm not willing to spend more of time with Bond movies right now.   And frankly, it's not enough.

Professional Tips: small progress + the right tools

I've been totally swamped recently and while I have had many thoughts and articles I've wanted to write about... I am totally not ready.  However, there are a few things I have seen recently that I'd love to share!  Be sure to check out the actual articles, because there is a lot more discussion and more tips that I didn't include here.

1st) Ditch the binary thinking and start some thinking!  Any progress is progress.  Get movin.

Letting Go of “All or Nothing”

Today, I challenge you to adopt the “every little bit counts” mentality. Maybe the extent of your yoga practice today is holding child’s pose on your bed for 45 seconds. Maybe your workout is 10 quick squats while you’re waiting for your roommate to get out of the shower. It doesn’t have to be all or nothing, my loves. Every little bit counts. The beautiful thing is that this mentality can actually spill into all areas of life. Maybe you’ve been avoiding calling an old friend because you can’t find time for a thorough conversation. Take 30 seconds just to say hi. Maybe your apartment has gotten out-of-control messy, and you don’t have the energy to do an in-depth clean. Set aside 10 minutes. Target one corner of one room.
Baby steps, a little at a time. Every little bit counts. With this mentality, we realize that we don’t need to fear seemingly daunting tasks. Life is all about staying balanced, and keeping the flow. As long as we’re doing something, we’re doing juuust fine.

2nd) Work on intertwining peace and balance into your relationships- Ditch the sarcasm, passive-aggressiveness, and brutal honesty. Build a "super"-you.

3 Emotional Weapons You Need to Put Down

Since we’re all works-in-progress, if you find yourself employing any of the above weapons or armor, please do not be ashamed. I assure you that we have all, out of the need to protect ourselves, meddled with unsavory powers. The point is that Super You gets bogged down by sad little tricks like these, so it’s better to learn to recognize them and then ditch them when you can. Keep your heart and mind open to the intentions of your behavior — and to the intentions behind those intentions. Keep evolving and keep shedding that cheap shit.

3) But don't play too nice: make sure you can skillfully interrupt to make better use of your time while still getting the job done!

How to Interrupt

If you want others to see you as curious and interested, you have to ask questions. And often, you have to interrupt to create space for your question—especially if your conversation partner likes to talk.

Do Interrupt:
1. When you want to ensure understanding
“Excuse me. I just want to make sure I understand. It sounds like the problem we’re trying to solve is…” 

2. To help them clarify their thinking
“I apologize for interrupting. I just want to make sure I understand. It sounds like your goal is….and your biggest concerns are…. Did I get that right? 

3. Because you’re genuinely curious
“Wait. What do you mean that you went through a dark period?” or “Hold on. How could you tell that he was bored in your meeting?” “Wow, can we take a step back. You just made a really interesting point. How did you come to that conclusion?” 

4. To facilitate a productive conversation. Sometimes, interrupting is the best way to get a conversation back and track. Meetings without skillful, facilitative interruption turn into chaotic wastes of time.
“It sounds like we’ve surfaced a topic that’s different from the meeting objective. How about the two of you continue that discussion later?”
“Excuse me. We’re running short on time and we have a few people we haven’t heard from…”
“Sorry to interrupt, but my next meeting will call in 5 minutes and I want to make sure I answer your question.”

--

Lets get to work!  Hopefully the more I employ these, the more time I will have to write the longer articles that are stuck in my head.

Allowed to be Loud - Or what I've learned from Florence

In a recent instagram Between Two Books (a book club run by fans of Florence + the Machine) announced their participation in Elle Magazine UK's Elle Feminism campaign--- a promotion for their 'feminism issue' featuring Carey Mulligan of the upcoming film Suffragette.  A discussion quickly arose in the comments, with followers declaring that #FlowsForFeminism "needs to be a thing."

We are Between Two Books (l-r Heather, Abbie, Florence, Leah) and we are incredibly proud to be a part of @elleuk's ELLE Feminism Campaign. One woman's success makes EVERY WOMAN STRONGER. More women for #morewomen #ELLEFeminism

A photo posted by The Flo +the Machine Book Club (@betweentwobooks) on Oct 1, 2015 at 3:25pm PDT

I am 100% behind #FlowsForFeminism.  Whether or not feminism is a conscious, central part of the project and work of Florence and Florence + the Machine, I do count Florence as one of the contemporary figures who have influenced my evolution as a feminist and a person.  Namely, she introduced to me the idea that women can be loud if they want.

Florence + the Machine's music is full of big sounds.  Florence's voice is infamous for being particularly distinctive--- big and full, declarative, "witchy,"  full of octave jumps, shrieks, howls, and endless, drawn-out notes.  Layers of choirs and drums build the dramatic songs.  All together the sounds are noisy, loud, declarative, full--- there is no hiding them, and there is no hiding from them.

Women are so often expected to be seen and not heard, to speak only when spoken to, to hold their tongues, to let things go, to suffer in silence.  If they must make themselves heard and visible, they should do it in a way that pleases others, in which they are cute, sexy, pretty, or attractive.  Listening to Florence I realized that things could be different.

19 Practical Steps You Can Take to Making Your Workplace Better for Women

Inspired by 35 Practical Steps Men Can Take to Support Feminism, here are some practical steps men and women can take (and are taking) to make the workplace better for women that go beyond the obvious of don't touch, harass, or sexually harass them.

Even if some of these seem bizarre or outlandish, I am including them because I've witnessed them occur several times and/or heard stories from other women about these things happening perpetually.

1.  Listen to women when they speak.

People have a habit of ignoring what women say, or assuming that they don't know what they are talking about.  Sometimes it seem like men in a meeting are just waiting for women to shut up so they can talk.  Women will also undersell how good their ideas are.  But women can offer just as much to a conversation as a man.   Listen to what they are saying.  Especially if they are talking about sexism.

2.  When you praise women, praise them for things other than "feminine" behavior.

There is nothing more defeating than working really hard at your job, only to ever get praise for being "nurturing" and "making people smile" and attending to the needs of others.  Praise women for being actually good at their jobs and praise them for the things that make them assets to your team/company.  Don't praise them for performing gender roles and for generic qualities that have nothing to do with their job.

3.  Don't make jokes about your female coworkers being pregnant.  Especially around clients or guests!

While there is nothing wrong with a woman being pregnant--- whether she's single, in a relationship, or married--- women still face a lot of stigma about their sexuality.  Making jokes about a woman being pregnant (especially if she is unmarried) can imply that she is careless, unfit for work, promiscuous, and possibly sexually available in ways that she isn't.  People who are not familiar with the woman (clients and guests) will not understand the nuances of the joke and may draw unfair, harmful conclusions about your female coworker.  It may also imply to the woman that her coworkers spend their time thinking about her sexually rather than professionally, and that they are ok advertising this.  This can make the workplace uncomfortable for her.

White Feminism & Race

Intersectionality is the new buzzword and it rocks.  

Intersectionality is a concept often used in critical theories to describe the ways in which oppressive institutions (racism, sexism, homophobia, transphobia, ableism, xenophobia, classism, etc.) are interconnected and cannot be examined separately from one another. 

While feminism can intersect with any of the above, an impassioned essay entitled "The Charleston Imperative: Why Feminism & Antiracism Must Be Linked" focuses the above definition to the modern intersection of race and feminism.  It reads:

We must recognize, at last, that racial violence, including the cycle of suffering and slow death that hovers over Black communities, is structural as well as individual. Equally significant, racial violence has never been focused on males alone....

Feminists must denounce the use of white insecurity -- whether in relation to white womanhood, white neighborhoods, white politics, or white wealth -- to justify the brutal assaults against Black people of all genders. Antiracists must acknowledge that patriarchy has long been a weapon of racism and cannot sit comfortably in any politic of racial transformation. We must all stand against both the continual, systematic and structural racial inequities that normalize daily violence as well as against extreme acts of racial terror. Policy, and movement responses that fail to reflect an intersectional approach are doomed to fail.

If you'd like a less academic definition and a great description of what I mean by "white feminist" (which is not synonymous with a feminist who is white), watch Huffington Post/Now This News's video clip.

Meanwhile, Danielle Fuentes Morgan details an example of her interactions with the racist patriarchy in her piece entitled "WE ALREADY KNOW: WHITE LIBERAL RACISM DENIES BLACK PERSONHOOD."  She aptly describes the type of discrimination and bias that she encounters on a daily basis, even in a quiet location like a waiting room.

This man decided I was too stupid to know who Bernie Sanders was (or at least how important he should be to me, as the token Black person in the room), that his ill-advised ramblings were sufficient to inform me, and that I was obligated to stop what I was doing to listen to him. He didn’t address anyone else in the waiting room. Just me. And no one said a word in my defense... 

My daughter’s face flashed before my eyes, in a split second, and I left. I allowed myself to be disrespected to keep my family and myself safe. I sacrificed my dignity in an effort to protect my life. I am struck even now by the fact that I left without my personhood respected to save my physical person. These are the choices people of color have to grapple with every day. I was able to choose to leave. Sandra Bland was not afforded that option.

Honestly, this is an experience I most likely would not encounter. However, what gets me (as a white female) is that she experienced this all this shame by herself. Her adversary no doubt felt victorious; he sure educated her. Where was her support? Where are the modern day feminists to point out what an ass that guy was? Are the predominately white women that are currently front lining the feminist movement (Emma Watson, Sheryl Sandberg, Meryl Streep) helping to advocate for all the non-white women out there in ways that are appropriate to each women's situation?

Anne Thériault from over at Medium and The Belle Jar is not so sure. In her piece called "Shit White Feminists Need To Stop Doing" she ends with:

5. Arguing That All Other Forms Of Oppression Are Over So We Need to Focus On Women
I’M LOOKING AT YOU, ARQUETTE.
Look, I know that her Oscar speech has been critiqued and analyzed to death, so I won’t dwell on this too much, but — come the fuck on. First of all, saying that we need “all the gay people and people of colour that we’ve all fought for to fight for us now” kind of insinuates that none of those gay people or people of colour are women, no? Second of all, literally read a book or something because racism and homophobia and transphobia are far from over. Third of all, you are a white woman who has benefited from enormous privilege her entire life. You don’t get to tell other marginalized groups what to do.

Here is her complete list.  You should check out the descriptions that follow each item as well.  They might be biting, but her comments deserve some thought.

1. Believing Their Experiences of Marginalization Are Universal
2. Crying About How We’re All On The Same Team
3. Talking About Hijabs (Or Burqas, Or Sex-Selective Abortion, Or Anything, Really)
4. Thinking That All Sex Workers Are All Miserable Wretches Who Hate Their Lives
5. Arguing That All Other Forms Of Oppression Are Over So We Need to Focus On Women

 Thériault talks about how most white feminists mean well.  While that is wonderful, it can be damaging.  By not being "intersectional," white feminists run the risk of being exclusive.  Women of different races, sexual orientation, cultural backgrounds etc. will not see feminism as a safe place...feminism is not really on their side. What is the point of non-inclusive feminism that does not support the women who would benefit most from a connected, unified community?

Some of the articles about white feminists (like the HuffPost vid) use the phrase "white feminists need to shut the fuck up," and I noted that some commenters are whining about feeling silenced.  Obviously, complete silencing is not the point.  However, it is a little hard to hear what other people are saying when you are constantly using your mouthpiece.  White women (myself included) should make an effort to throw the spotlight onto some of these intertwined topics and women who are dealing with multiple forms of discrimination.  Piper Kerman of Orange is the New Black is a great example of a feminist who has used her white privilege to bring the criminal justice system and the women it entraps into everyday discussion.

However, I think Gloria Steinem provides the best example.

"When asked what she’d say to the women of color who don’t feel that the feminist movement includes them or is about them, she says “I wouldn’t say anything, I’d listen.”

Do What You Love?

I was planning to write a long piece about contraception as a vehicle for economic opportunity, but found the recent vitriol swirling around this topic too depressing.  Instead, I will leave you with a thought provoking article I came across this morning.

"In the Name of Love" challenges our current "do what you love" mantra regarding work, arguing that a) this privileged perspective dehumanizes the vast majority of people who do our necessary but generally unlovable work, and b) enables the capitalist system to exploit workers by leveraging the passion-means-more-than-compensation ethos.  The author also notes how this dynamic particularly harms women:

"Yet another damaging consequence of DWYL is how ruthlessly it works to extract female labor for little or no compensation. Women comprise the majority of the low-wage or unpaid workforce; as care workers, adjunct faculty, and unpaid interns, they outnumber men. What unites all of this work, whether performed by GEDs or PhDs, is the belief that wages shouldn’t be the primary motivation for doing it. Women are supposed to do work because they are natural nurturers and are eager to please; after all they’ve been doing uncompensated childcare, elder care, and housework since time immemorial. And talking money is unladylike anyway."

I will admit to being shocked by this revelation at first.  I guess I'd bought into the Do What You Love thing just like everyone else.  My next reaction was rage.  A system of oppression exploiting mankind's hope for self-fulfillment as a sort of Trojan Horse?!  Finally, I sink back into depression.  Has there ever been a self-help movement that wasn't exploitative or exploited to benefit the privileged?

Be vigilant my friends.

Beyond the Lights shows the whole picture of the violence of commodification

I recently had the opportunity to finally watch Beyond the Lights (Thanks Netflix!).  I was excited to watch another film starring Gugu Mbatha-Raw (from Belle) and also Minnie Driver (who rocks), and by a female writer-director (Gina Prince-Bythewood), but I sadly missed it in theatres.

In brief:  Beyond the Lights follows the struggles of a young pop star, Noni, on the verge of superstardom.  The film opens as she is heading towards her chance at making it big, but as just one young woman against the "intimate psychic violence of racism and sexism" (as A.O. Scott describes it so well) that the music industry inflicts upon her, Noni finds herself standing on a balcony considering suicide.  It is only through the intervention of a young police officer that Noni decides to try to live.


The film at its simplest is a love story between Noni and Kaz (the police officer)--- and this story is frequently rather contrived and fantastical.  A.O. Scott describes it as silly in an affectionate way, but also argues that the fantasy of Noni and Kaz's relationship is part of the central project and purpose of the film.  (Read his review for more.)   However, it is important to note that while Kaz sparks Noni's move towards freedom and wholeness, as Minnie Driver explains in an interview: "Kaz saves her physically, but Noni saves herself."

Putting the romantic storyline aside what I found most moving, terrifying, powerful about the film was it's perspective on the music industry (the film arguably focuses more on the hip-hop/R&B industry in which Noni seems to operate, but I'm sure the criticism can apply to other genres as well).  First, the film forces us to witness the overpowering, in-your-face objectification that female artists are subjected to through the music videos Noni has recently released and the photoshoots she endures.  By contrasting this with the first impression we get of Noni (a talented little girl, sensitive, vulnerable and a beautiful soul with a moving voice, who loves singing and wants to make her mother proud) we get to really understand just how reductive, humiliating, sad, and violent these conditions are.  These forces are so powerful in their obliteration of the artist's self and disrespectful of their talents, it is abundantly clear how Noni is so easily chewed up and destroyed by the industry that at the same time it promises to give her everything, strips her of any dignity, safety, or support.

**SPOILERS AHEAD** 

Recovery and our Inner Warrior Goddess

The death card is one of my favorite Tarot cards. Bordered by circles of blue lifelines, the card beautifully demonstrates the concept of letting one thing go to make way for the new.  This concept is also reflected in eastern ways of thought like Feng Shui; you clear the old clutter in your home to make way for new energy and items to fill your life.  Life's cyclical nature, as represented here, always inspires hope  that new things are on their way.

But sometimes death is a b*&ch

While I am certainly glad that parts of myself and my life have died, sometimes the process of change seems eternal and excruciating.  In this past year, the death card pretty much wiped my personality down to nothing (ex. anxiety and depression) and let me sit there for while.  This gave me a chance for some introspection and to identify some of the ways we think when we get stuck in the mud:

• I am worthless (and all ten thousand permutations of this that wind around our brains).
• I just need a man, more money, the perfect job (etc) to be happy and fulfilled.  (Mostly since I am worthless and can't do it myself.)
• So and so ruined my life and since I am worthless or not in control, there is nothing I can do about it.
• I am too tired change or too used to my maladaptive ways to move onto something new.
• I lack support, knowledge or resources to make a change and often I am too tired or overwhelmed to find out who can help. 

Depending on the situation and the individual, we can be stuck here from days to months to years. Even if you haven't firsthand experienced this, I am sure you knew friend or a family member who was struggling.  It is often frustrating for everyone.  Personally, I want to shake and yell at everything.  JUST GET BETTER ALREADY.

Society too, as a whole, sends a message to those attempting renewal and often it is a message of hypermasculinity.  Yoga guru Sadie Nardini wrote an article on this topic, noting that women often "attempt to source their ability and drive from an overly masculine prototype, instead of reviving their inner feminine to do the job."  [Even I tried this tactic out!]

I don't need ___ or ____.  I don't need anyone. I got this, I can do this on my own.

The difficulty with this overtly masculine approach to rebuilding is that it is inherently isolating and cold.  While initially productive and intimidating, this energy serves to create more boundaries and separation from the community that is often so vital to recovery and a successful life.  It is a closed-ended approach with little room for discussion, expression and connection.  While our movie heroes like Wolverine certainly get the job done (with lots of exciting action scenes), they are usually devoid of personality and true friendships.  Is that what we are looking for in our new selves? In my personal experience, this masculine driving energy would get me moving and out the door... but then to where?  What was I going to do all on my own?

Thus, Sadie Nardini elaborates on the power of femininity and our inner warrior goddess.  She writes:

The end result of an integrated feminine side is completeness: full nourishment of one's life-force, passions, creativity, and relationship to Self.  This provides one with the confidence and freedom to stand up and say "I don't need anyone or anything, it's true-- but I choose to want them."  I choose love.  I choose family,  I choose these projects and I choose to keep myself close to my inner mother even as I dedicate to truth and moving toward right action, led by my inner father.

Her thoughts are equally beautiful as the death card.  The synthesis of the vulnerable, caring, more feminine sides of our being with the driven, meticulous "masculine" side creates a strong, raw, and authentic energy.  Reaching out, connecting, expressing, nurturing... these are not weakness, but are instead powerful tools we can use to live.  Often, devoting ourselves to others can pull us away from our own despair and difficulties.

Sadie concludes:

In this place, we are whole, and we are free.  We refuse to play small yet we walk with humility and openness to the world's curiosities and dead ends.  We allow our hearts to break because we dared to love with abandon, we gather our children and friends and lovers close and recognize that God can be found between our palms and the skin of our beloveds--and in our joy or grief alike, we thank the Universe for letting us love at all, even while we mourn the inevitable loss of all those we touch.
We are women, not men, and it's high time we learn what it means to rock who we are, and when in doubt, to simply become as incandescent as summer's first firefly in response. 

With this, we can move on and live.

Why I don't wear Chanel

Ok, this post is a bit of a delayed reaction.

And ok, there are probably other reasons why I don't wear Chanel. ($$$)

But as someone who is sort of a hobbyist for fashion, I got fed up with Chanel last year.

Chanel is easily one of the most recognized, respected, and classiest, highest-pinnacle brands in fashion.  It is the creme de la creme.  Chanel has demonstrated over and over again that it is able to be creative, fashionable, beautiful, classic, and contemporary yet timeless.

However, for the Spring/Summer 2015 show held in October 2014, the show concluded with a tasteless, sophomoric faux feminist protest.  Models paraded out one more time, carrying placards with meaningless phrases like "Make Fashion Not War" and "Féministe mais Feminine.”  I was shocked to see this spectacle of highly privileged bodies playacting at the struggles of oppressed and underprivileged groups for highly select audience, elitist by design and definition.  The willful ignorance, lack of sensitivity or conscience, and cold selfcenteredness (and downright display of unabashed elitism) demonstrated filled me with disgust and outrage.

Why You Should Follow the National Women's History Museum

Somehow or other I came to follow the National Women's History Museum on Facebook.  I think it is one of the best social media decisions I have ever made.

The National Women's History Museum, which currently only exists online--- they are raising funds and support in order to build a physical space--- posts regularly about numerous and diverse women throughout (mostly) American history.  I love stumbling upon these fascinating people as I scroll through my news feed.  Sometimes the women they feature come from the recent past (1970s and onward), or even from current news and events, and other times they post about women from the early years of this country.  The women come from all walks of life, races, classes, and ages.  They recently featured an 11 year-old (Samantha Reed Smith)!

Through the NWHM I have learned about women like:

• Amanda Theodosia James - who lived in the 1800s, patented several canning techniques, and owned and ran her own canning and preserving business--- that only hired women!
• Dr. Kazue Togasaki - a Japanese American doctor and one of the few physicians allowed to practice medicine during the internment of Japanese Americans during WWII
• Nannie Helen Burroughs - an African-American activist who in 1909 founded the National Training School for Women and Girls in Washington, D.C. to provide schooling for black students in the segregated south

Can it be true? Pop music celebrating healthy relationships?

I've wanted to write a post about popular music for a while, but the content eluded me.  At one point I wanted to write about alternative conceptions of female beauty in music, but could only think of Queen's Fat Bottomed Girls and Jim Croce's Roller Derby Queen.  Both songs are awesome, but not really enough to write a whole post about.

Then there was Jason Derulo's irresistible but horrid-when-you-actually-think-about-it Talk Dirty.  Oh, and let's not forget Robin Thicke's Blurred Lines.

Most recently, as I despaired over the battered woman vibe in Ariana Grande's One Last Time,  two new songs on the pop hits station (or whatever you call what Ryan Seacrest is on) blew my mind.

OMI - Cheerleader

Andy Grammer - Honey I'm Good

Given how tuned into popular culture I am, I'm probably the last person around to have found these songs.  Nevertheless, I think they are deceptively revolutionary.  With catchy, fun music, both songs deliver messages we don't often hear on the radio.

How often have we heard the equivalent of "Baby baby [insert phrase to indicate interest in sex]" or "baby baby I'm so in love with you", but actually this song is about me?  Instead of these overused but still too common themes, both songs say "Thanks but no thanks, I already have an amazing person in my life."  The singers (both male) are saying, it's not about me, its about my amazing partner.  Sitting in my car, I couldn't believe it as these songs came across the radio.

And the music videos!  Couples of all shapes, sizes, ages, locations, relationship types, and relationship lengths are demonstrating their pride and joy at being together!  Maybe there is such a thing as progress.

A Feminist Abroad: On Gaining Perspective

In my last post, I discussed my overall feelings regarding my solo trip to New Zealand this past December. While I’ve been meaning to write the follow-up post for weeks, I’m just now finding the time to do so. It’s also a great time for me to write about one of my favorite parts of my trip: gaining alternative perspectives. I’ll apologize for the length of it now.

For as long as I can remember, I’ve been frustrated with my brain. It’s something I can never escape. I can never turn it off. I can only see and experience life the way my brain allows me to do it. Going to New Zealand was not only a great opportunity for me to grow as a person, but to also talk with people, and get an idea of what life looks like through the eyes of someone else. What their daily lives involve. How we ended up in the same place at the same time. There were numerous moments/conversations that I had while on my trip that I wish I could relive over and over in my head. They’re moments that I pull up in my mind when I need to be reminded why I work hard at my job and save up my vacation time to use in large chunks. I do it so I can escape not just from my cube and all the stress and monotony of my daily work, but to escape everything that is comfortable to me, to talk to people, to ask questions, to sit and just listen to someone else’s life experiences, to understand how they experience their lives.

One of my biggest concerns before my trip had nothing to do with the fact that I was traveling alone, or that I was going somewhere unfamiliar. After twice choosing to attend out of state colleges in locations where I didn’t know a single soul to get both of my degrees, going somewhere new and alone wasn’t out of the ordinary. My biggest concern was regarding my nationality. I had always heard (and to be honest, assumed) that Americans have a pretty terrible international reputation. The stereotypes of ignorant American tourists have to come from somewhere, and I didn’t want to fall into that trap. However, I’m not one to rely on stereotypes as a main source of information about some topic or another, so I took the opportunity to ask people what they thought of Americans/the US when the opportunity arose.

The first chance I had to ask someone about this was on my flight from San Francisco to Auckland. I sat next to this incredibly friendly girl who was returning home to New Zealand after being gone for 11 months, traveling and volunteering her way across the globe. My guess is that she was around my age, and had seen and experienced so much in her time abroad. We began to talk as we filled out our papers to go through customs, and I’m very glad we did. I had asked her what had brought her to the States in the first place, and I got much more than I expected in her response. She told me all about her travels, how she started out going to Cambodia to volunteer for 3 months, met and befriended a Canadian girl, who she then travelled with to Thailand and Nepal, then started making her way to the US to attend a wedding in South Carolina. It was her first trip to the US, and I apologized for South Carolina being the first thing she experienced. I asked her what she thought of the people, and I learned a lot from her response. She said that more than one person told her they didn’t know that New Zealand was even a country. She was asked if New Zealand was one of the “states” of Australia. She was asked if there was a bridge connecting Australia and New Zealand (a bridge, she noted, that would span over 400 miles of the most treacherous ocean waters on the planet). Worst of all, she said that she hadn’t realized how many Americans lived inside of their own bubble, and she was surprised so many people were so ignorant of what was happening in the world beyond the US borders.  I can’t argue with her. For example, comedian John Oliver regularly enjoys playing a geography game on his show, Last Week Tonight, when he discusses South American countries. He’ll mention a country, such as Paraguay, and highlight it on a map. Except he intentionally has the incorrect country highlighted, and jumps around before landing on the correct country. Most people I talk to that watch this show usually don’t know that these countries even exist before John Oliver discusses them. How are we supposed to know what’s going on in the world, if most people don’t even know that Togo is an actual country in Africa? For the first time on my trip, and certainly not the last, I felt embarrassed for all of those ignorant people this poor girl had the misfortune of running into. I was only able to talk to this girl for about fifteen minutes or so before we both got off the plane and went our separate ways, but it was a very eye-opening conversation.

Once I made it down to Queenstown to meet up with my tour group (I was late, thanks to some flight delays in Chicago), I was picked up by a tour guide named Vanessa, and driven 3 hours up the New Zealand countryside to be dropped off at a hotel.  Later on, during the last night of my trip, we were each asked to discuss our favorite part of the trip. Looking back now, I’m pretty sure that my ride with Vanessa was my favorite part. For about an hour, we made polite small talk. She asked about my story, why I was late, and I told her. I told her where I was from and how long I was staying in New Zealand. Then we stopped to eat lunch, and that’s when everything changed. I was relatively jet-lagged, since I had just spent the previous 14 hours or so on planes, so I had no filter. As I sat eating a lunch that Vanessa was kind enough to buy me, I straight up asked her what her perception and opinions of Americans as a whole were. It turns out that her stepmother was from Seattle, and Vanessa’s opinion of Americans was largely based on her experiences with her. For the rest of the ride up to my hotel, we discussed Americans, American politics, New Zealand politics, and general global issues. I remarked on how clean New Zealand was, and how friendly people seemed to be. She told me, without hesitation, her stances on various issues and her honest opinion of the US and its citizens and her plans to come and travel across the country and see it for herself. By the time she dropped me off, I was exhausted and delirious and desperately in need of a shower, but I also felt like I had just met and made a new best friend. Apparently Vanessa enjoyed my company as well, since she gave me both her cell phone number and her family’s phone number, since they lived on the north island and would be able to help me should I run into trouble after striking out on my own. To this day, I’m still a little sad that Vanessa wasn’t one of my actual tour guides for the rest of the week, even though the two I had were fantastic.

I could go on and on about the people I was able to talk with during my trip. There was Ken, the native Minnesotan living and working in Singapore, always good for stories about what it’s like to be living somewhere so different than the place you grew up. There was Dave from California, another young person traveling alone like me with very interesting world views. There was the newlywed couple from Washington State, always willing to refill my water bottle or share bug spray or tell story after story after story. There was Paul, the successful businessman from England, who always had a fun joke or story to tell, but who would also talk politics with you until there was nothing left to say. There were the tour guides themselves, full of stories about life in New Zealand and working in Australia or on cattle farms, or attending university. There was the gentleman I spoke with while waiting in San Francisco for our flight to Auckland to board, who was full of helpful advice and information. There was the grandmother who was next to me in the gate as I waited to return to the States, excited to visit friends and family in Florida. I feel incredibly lucky and grateful to have had the opportunity to meet each and every individual mentioned here, and more that I didn’t. I learned so much about them, and myself, and received many reminders to stop and try to view things through someone else’s eyes. I was reminded to not worrying about telling my own stories, but to listen to other people’s stories. It’s something that I am still working to do.

Tampon Discourse!

Yes, I am writing about tampons, again.  In my defense, there were THREE tampon-related articles in The Atlantic this past week and I couldn't let that pass without a blog post.  The articles covered a lot of ground and are worth a read, but themes surrounding menstruation's negative associations stood out.  Here are a few highlights:

The Tampon: A History-- The cultural, political, and technological roots of a fraught piece of cotton by Ashley Fetters (June 1, 2015)

Millions of people use tampons (and other feminine hygiene products) on a daily basis, but we rarely talk about them.  Shrouded in mystery, tampons are

"common enough to be sold in drugstores and public restrooms all over America, integral enough to the female experience to merit its own memorable jeremiad in The Vagina Monologues . . . and yet still taboo enough to be the central prop in one of the only Fifty Shades of Grey sex scenes deemed too risque for the movie adaptation."  

Tampon-like items going back a few hundred years, but the tampon as we know it today originated  around World War II.  There were misgivings from the start.

"'For many people, there was a lot of discomfort with the idea of women touching themselves in any way in their vaginal or labia area, especially young girls,' says Sharra Vostral, the author of Under Wraps: A History of Menstrual Hygiene Technology. 'A lot of people argued that [tampon use] was not only inappropriate because it might break the hymen, but it might be also pleasurable and might be a way for girls to experience orgasmic pleasure.'  Tampax's telescoping applicator made it possible to insert a tampon without the dreaded self-touching-- though it didn't do much to assuage fears of accidental virginity loss, which, despite evidence that the hymen doesn't necessarily break as a result of sex or tampon use, still persist in some parts of the world today." 

In addition, tampon-like approaches were associated with "women with active lifestyles (like dancers) and . . . women in 'dubious professions' of the era like acting, modeling, prostitution-- and sports."

Despite these misgivings, tampons grew increasingly popular, but the product marketing always emphasized how "the products are feminine and diminutive, of medical origins, or allow women a 'little white lie' that conceals menstruation."  There were also cultural differences in adoption, with Europeans embracing tampons without applicators, while US customers found that approach too unhygienic.

By the 1970s, "a small feminist movement had begun to publicly question why women should feel pressured to hide or staunch their menstruation in the first place.  What was so shocking or gross or shameful, after all, about something that happened to half the world's adult population every month?"  Their perspective didn't take off however . . .

Don't Let Them See Your Tampons: What's behind the urge to keep feminine products hidden? by Julie Beck (June 1, 2015)

Even today, tampon discretion is essential and women have hundreds of ways smuggle their feminine hygiene products to the restroom.  Disgust and division persist:

"Many religions have historically dubbed menstruating women 'unclean' and secular shame abounds as well. . . Menstrual etiquette requires that women hide the fact of their periods . . . In one study, people had worse impressions of a woman who dropped a tampon [unopened] out of her bag than if she dropped something innocuous like a hair clip, and even avoided sitting near her."

There is some hope for acceptance, but not any time soon:

"Efforts to destigmatize menstruation are becoming mainstream . . . But taboos don't change that quickly.  If there's a chance open-carrying a tampon in public will only get some disrespect, maybe she'll think it's better to keep it up her sleeve-- literally."

After both articles were published, there were enough comments that the editor compiled the discussion into a follow-up piece The Tampon Taboo: Your Thoughts.  While many of the comments covered predictable territory, the discussion is heartening.  I now have the Under Wraps: A History of Menstrual Hygiene Technology book on my Kindle wish list.  Maybe more people do too!

On Display. Existing While Female

I suppose this is sort of a follow up to my last post on Zumba.  I stumbled across a series of videos by Petra Collins (for BB Dakota) called Making Space.  They are basically the kind of short film I tried to make in college, except much better.

I'm not sure that I love Collins' work completely, or if I am just saying that because I'm super jealous of her for being so successful and so young, but I found the series of videos fascinating.  They invite me to reflect on the female body and how to find freedom in it.

The series focuses on high school girls in the south who, in their own ways, are all involved with dance.  As we watch the girls dance and smile and move in front of the camera, we listen to their thoughts on their art, their bodies, their relationships with other girls, and their thoughts on the future. 

I was especially drawn to the first part of the series.  The girls are beautiful, and they remind us that wisdom comes from all ages.  "How can somebody who likes me, make me feel so bad?" one girl questions.  Yes, why do we teach our girls to accept any male attention as something they should accept and appreciate?  Why do we teach them to love abuse?



The images are simultaneously real and yet also dreamy as we often watch the girls dance and move in slow motion, while listening to their open, honest voices.  It invites us to watch their bodies, but in a way that invites appreciation (rather than appraisal) and also teases out the girls' strength and their lack of shame or apology for their bodies being visible.  We get to witness the infinite possibilities of movement from an infinite number of body shapes and sizes.  This feels liberating and new to me.

Guilt, Fear, and Resolve

Last month, I wrote about my transformation to the liberation perspective after viewing several panel discussions presented at the All About Women Festival 2015.  Since then, I've been stewing on another major theme from the event: how the patriarchal system does not allow women an equal voice in our society.  For a long time, when I thought about the public discourse, I joined a lot of people in thinking, how bad could it be? Or, sticks-and-stones . . . just ignore it. Or, they have chosen to be in the public eye, they must be okay with it.

But then I watched "What I Couldn't Say," where female panelists shared very personal accounts of how their voices were silenced when they spoke up about injustice.  I also watched Stop the trolls: Women fight online harassment, and again saw the personal toll suffered by women who dare to exist.

After seeing these accounts, I have not been able to shake a profound sense of guilt that I didn't understand their experience; that I assumed they were okay with it; that they persevere in silence without the support they need; that I might benefit from their struggle without supporting them in return; that my inaction perpetuates their suffering.

I have also grown more fearful about contributing to the public discourse.  What would we do if the trolls find this blog?  If the online mob attacks us with single minded focus?  If they threaten and our families unceasingly?

Nevertheless, since the harassment demonstrates the profound injustices resulting from a patriarchal system, these accounts have also given me a stronger sense of resolve.  If I am privileged enough to have a voice to be attacked, only imagine the lives of those who do not.  I am only more committed to bringing about the liberation.  I will support groups that fight for change and I will engage those think otherwise.

Liberating Myself through Zumba

In the fall, I did something I had never done before.  I started taking Zumba classes at the gym.  Being in situations where I don't know the proper code of conduct and etiquette REALLY stressed me out.  And I'm also an introvert.  And I'm also extremely self-conscious of not being good at things.

But I started going to Zumba anyway because it was something that looked fun, and I am trying to do more things that challenge me and overcome all those petty fears and self-doubt.  I discovered that I really LOVE Zumba!

I don't love Zumba because I really good at it.  I'm not.  There any many people that are better at it than I am.  But being in Zumba classes with different women, the same women, and the random male who occasionally shows up has helped me form a new frame of mind towards my body and the bodies of other women.  Here are some things Zumba has shown me and helped me experience:

An Insight Into the 21st Century Man: Feminist and Sexist

A online study of 818 men was published recently, entitled: The Shriver Report Snapshot: An Insight Into the Modern American Man.  The survey reports to be representative of the adult male population and explores potentially controversial and sensitive topics such as attitudes about gender and sex. Interestingly some answers are very supportive of female advancement, while others seem to point out the need for increased gender equality. 

Generational Differences: Now vs. Then

For example, 45% of men said it was harder to be a man now than in his father's generation. Why?

... men are most likely to say this is due to women attaining a stronger position in the workplace, a stronger position financially, and greater gender equality. These men also cite negative assumptions about men, a more competitive job market, greater household responsibilities for men, and greater expectations for men in society today. The following are a number of verbatim responses from survey respondents:

“In my dad’s day, women stayed home and the men worked. Now, both men and women work in the same area as men do, so it’s hard for us to be men.” 

“With the blending of the gender roles and the fact that society is not dependent upon physical labor as much as it used to be, the traditional roles that men play have been dismissed.” 

“If you stand up as a man, it is taken as putting females down. No more ‘Man of the House.’” 

“Each generation has its challenges. In the past, it was men conforming to rigid role expectations. In our generation, a man has more challenges finding his own way."

Interestingly, men who say it is easier to live in this generation (20%) cite the same reasons of gender and social changes.

Gender roles in the workplace

Wonderfully, most of the men expressed comfort with the empowerment of women in the workplace. But while feeling comfortable and able to work around female bosses...

56% of men agree that, generally speaking, men are more concerned about making good impressions and earning the respect of other men than earning the respect of women.

... which to me indicates that the opinion of a women is not as important as that of a man.

Men are also very comfortable with their partner working outside the home and most were at least "somewhat" comfortable working for a woman.  However, less than half were at least "somewhat" comfortable staying home to take care of the children.  Thus, if women are working outside the home more often, who is expected to bear the responsibility for raising the children?  A possible answer:

34% say that they take on a greater share of the household responsibilities than their wife or female partner does.
And among those who have children at home, 24% say that they take on a greater share of parenting responsibilities than their wife or female partner does.

Unfortunately, the survey did not ask about relationships where men and women had equal division of labor.  Additionally, a vast majority of men reported feeling comfortable with a female president of the United States

Admirable qualities in a wife vs. a daughter
 As a great positive, intelligence was rated highly as desirable qualities in both a wife and daughter. Men also hoped for an attractive wife while an attractive daughter was not as highly prized.  However, the men reported hoping for independence in a daughter far more often than having independence in their partner.  A similar pattern appeared for the quality of strength.  Wonderfully, homemaker and deferential were far at the bottom of the list for both wife and daughter.

The 21st Century Individual

This short study provides some very interesting information.  Of course not all studies are representative of all populations and individuals, but they can point out overall trends.  In my opinion, the women's movement has made great advances, but still has areas of work.  Superbly, men are supportive of women in the workplace and even as the president of the United States.  However, while men are supportive of their spouses working outside the home, there is less of an equal redistribution of household labor.  This may indicate that women are becoming responsible both for their job and the household.  Additionally, independence and strength were not valuable in a spouse as other qualities such as attractiveness and sweetness.  Finally, women are seen as having a negative overall impact on the career success of men and their opinion is not as valuable as that of a man's. Thus while men are much more supportive of female professional empowerment, continued underlying biases may limit the true potential of the 21st Century Woman.

To read more about the study's conclusions and access the survey and data: click here.

 

DGAF & other tips to succeed

Why Are We Waiting So Long To Not GAF?

Article 1 By Jaya Saxena

A few weeks ago, I read this spectacular article entitled: Why are we waiting so long to not GAF? In the article, Ms. Saxena is thinking about some ugly shoes that are super comfortable and wondering when she will be of an age where wearing ugly shoes is free from worry about appearance etc.  But then she questions: why are we even waiting at all?

But on the other, so many young women (and I assume men) see their DGAF years as a future goal, as if there's a magical age where we'll be able to let go and stop caring and find that contentment (usually it's placed somewhere around 40). We're tapping into DGAF culture with the caftans and the "mom jeans" and the ugly sandals, which have typically been the sartorial choices of older women, but we won't allow ourselves the lifestyle yet.

I'm also all for self-care and meditation and leaning out and you doing you. But there's this idea that it has to start later, at some intangible date when the grind is done, and that's just not the case. I think everyone knows there's no such thing as that "elusive internal utopia," no matter how much you've lived and learned and gotten over it.
I want to just not give a fuck now, if utopia is never coming. Not in like an "abandon all responsibilities" way, but where I can wear ugly shoes and comfy jeans and only do makeup sometimes and not have it be a result of a lifetime of trying. We already know that's the lesson, so let's learn it now.

I love this article.  While Ms. Saxena's thought process revolves around ugly shoes, I think what she is saying has larger implications.  She even tagged the article as "leaning-out."

IDGAF & Feminism

All this reminds me of Morghan's last post. "Feminist" seems to be a dirty word.  Someone I know recently explained their reasoning for not using the word feminist and clarified:

This post was more directed towards the extremists who think they don't have equal rights here, tell me I'm oppressed, or believe that in order for gender equality to happen, women need to be the superior being. In a sense, yes I am for gender equality, but I'm also for formal equality where all people should be treated like equals... I don't fight for gender equality in the United States because I believe that we already have gender equality.

Feminists are those crazy bra-burning women who hate men.  The obvious feminist Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie writes that she ended up trying to call herself a Happy African Feminist Who Does Not Hate Men And Who Likes To Wear Lip Gloss And High Heels For Herself And Not For Men. Adichie gives a definition of feminist [a person who believes in the social, political and economic equality of the sexes] which to me sounds very similar to the ideas my anonymous poster wrote above.

What both Adichie and Morghan in her last post seem to have done is decided to not GAF. Adichie supports equality of the sexes [aka is a feminist] and is very clear about that. She has a great book modified from a TED talk entitled We should all be feminists where she examines problems and solutions from both gender angles. Pretty extreme.  On the other hand, Morghan seems to be fed up with all these semantics and microagressions where playing nice really gets you nowhere. She questions, "Why should I strive to claw tiny bits of respect from an oppressive system when I can build my own environment that meets my needs and goals?" Why not say IDGAF about what you think... lets do me... lets build a supportive environment for myself and the people I work with?

If doing what is best for you [wearing ugly shoes/working outside the patriarchy] is radical and extreme ... then hey, we should all be radical/extreme feminists.

IDGAF & Success
But maybe there is a chance that being radical and not GAF about the normal, unfair way of doing things is detrimental to your success.  Maybe "doing you" and  "building a supportive environment for myself and the people I work with" is the wrong way to go.  So lets check out some interviews of "34 of NYCs Most Powerful Women" and see what their Tips for Becoming Boss are.

1) Focus on yourself and your passions:

Heather Marie, Founder & CEO, Shoppable
"Create your own 'luck.' By working hard, you will create opportunities and prepare yourself to take advantage of them when they cross your path. That's the truth about luck: We can all be 'lucky.'"

Kahlana Barfield, Editor-At-Large, InStyle Magazine
"Set goals for yourself. Write them down and give yourself deadlines so you have something to work for. And, don't compare yourself to people. Play up your own strengths and be your own competition."

Whitney Tingle & Danielle DuBoise, Founders, Sakara Life
Danielle DuBoise: "Remember that there are no rules whatsoever. Every rule that was ever made was made by someone, so it can be remade and reimagined. And, act from a place of love, always."

2) Find mentors and build community

Stephanie Abrams & Courtney Spritzer, Cofounders and Co-CEOs, Socialfly
"When starting a business, remember that you will not know all of the answers. You have to be willing to ask for help when you are not sure what to do. Build a support system and a network of advisors. Listening and learning from others has been one of the keys to our success."

Joanna Vargas, Celebrity Facialist & Founder, Joanna Vargas Salon & Skincare Collection
"Number one: Surround yourself with the right people. I have been lucky enough to have met some amazing and inspiring women over the years. I have a very tight-knit group of friends, who are all CEOs in fashion and beauty, who I turn to for advice or just someone to vent to. It's great, because we all understand where we are in our careers. I hire women in a similar way that I choose friends — I hire women I respect and admire, who I can learn from, and who really want to learn and grow themselves.

Polly Payne, Founder, Horacio Printing; Sales Director, TripleLift
"Number one: Seek out many mentors that have your dream job and ask them as many questions as possible. Ask them about their story and how they got there. You have to be willing to admit that you need help and you that want to learn. By building relationships with the high-level executives at your office, you will get the opportunity to champion new projects. I have been privileged to have incredible mentors, some of which came in the form of incredible self-help books.

3) Work against outside influences that may limit you [aka discrimination and bias]

Claire Chambers, Founder, Journelle
"Women are programmed from an early age to be good listeners, so it took me a while to learn to appreciate feedback and go in another direction when my intuition or knowledge said something different.
"When I was starting Journelle, everyone I spoke with — vendors, investors, friends, family, and even people on the street or at a bar — had a well-intentioned opinion, and most of them were at odds with each other. Today, the most important feedback that I rely on comes from two groups — customers and employees — and I routinely tell women I mentor to listen to everything, but hear selectively."

Ambra Medda, Cofounder, Design Miami/; Cofounder & Creative Director, L'ArcoBaleno; Global Creative Director, 20/21 Design Department, Christie's
"I had the great fortune of starting my career very early. I think maybe not knowing too much, and really just relying on my instinct and collaborative spirit was what kept me so charged. The best career advice I was given was: 'Go BIG or go home.' I've been thinking big all my life and challenging what is considered normal. It makes you realize how we can be our own barrier or our own best advocate. You have to believe in yourself and trust your instinct, especially to get you through the really hard patches when things are super challenging."

Sadie Kurzban, Founder & CEO, ((305)) Fitness
“Be direct. Because I never had a ‘real’ job — I started ((305)) Fitness right out of college — I don't understand the niceties of office politics. This has really worked in my favor in building a successful business quickly; I am direct with vendors, investors, and my employees. I don't waste time asking, 'Do you maybe happen to have a contact at so and so? But, please, don't worry if you don't!" Instead I'll simply ask: 'Can I please have so and so's contact info?' The worst someone can say is no. If you don't ask, you can't get."

'We must do better'

Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie writes at the end of her short book, "My own definition of a feminist is a man or a woman who says, 'Yes there's a problem with gender as it is today and we must fix it, we must to better."  I agree.  Lets stop GAF about the semantics, who thinks what, or waiting for that proverbial utopia of equality to waltz along.  Over the course of the past few posts, we have been discussing how we as individuals can make it better.  It seems now we have a few tools to work with to improve our environment and to achieve success.

Equality is Dead! Long Live the Liberation!

As a follower of the amazing Feminist Frequency site, I recently became aware of the All About Women Festival 2015 held at the Sydney Opera House (Australia) last month.  Luckily for all of us who missed it, many of the panel sessions were recorded and are available on YouTube (channel here).  While I would recommend viewing all the videos, I particularly recommend the "What I Couldn't Say" and the "How to Be a Feminist" segments.

While I cannot begin to summarize all the fascinating discussion, the discourse drastically changed my view of feminism and its goals, particularly in relation to "gender equality."

When discussing the definition and goals of "feminism," several panelists in the How to Be a Feminist discussion pushed back against the idea of gender equality as the primary or ultimate goal of their movement.

First, several of the women argued that equality is a slippery term.  Equal to what or whom?  Affluent white males?  Is that really the best objective?  The more I thought about it, the more I agreed.

Feminism: Gloria Steinem and Black Women

Gloria Steinem & Dorothy Pitman-Hughes

While at the Black Enterprise’s Women Of Power Summit Gloria Steinem (a noted feminist) made some important comments on race and feminism.  Back in the 1970s Steinem made some "courageous" moves to place a black woman (Pam Grier) on the cover of her Ms. Magazine and published work by Alice Walker, eventually making her one of the first black editors at the publication. However, in a quick interview at the Summit, Steinem is clear not to paint herself as a savior of these women.  Instead, she says:

I thought they [black women] invented the feminist movement. I’ve learned feminism disproportionately from black women. I realize that things being what they are, the white middle-class part of the movement got reported more, but if you look at the numbers and the very first poll of women responding to feminist issues, African American women were twice as likely to support feminism and feminist issues than white women.

The article discussing her interview (theMarySue) explores the importance of this viewpoint in the following sentences:

But as she [Steinem] herself noted, there’s always a reason when any certain person gets held up as a movement’s hero, and in her case her face and body happened to coincide with the white middle class face of the second wave that was pushed forth the most. And therein lies a key to the third wave: Acknowledging that intersectionality has always been crucial to the movement but that women of color, non-cis women, and other categories of non-white non-middle-/upper-class women have historically been pushed to the fringes and left out of the record of their own achievements and struggles.

To conclude the article/interview, Steinem is asked what she would do to help address this issue, to address the women of other races or backgrounds that feel left out of the feminist movement.  Her reply is wonderfully sincere and insightful:

I wouldn’t say anything, I’d listen. The point is that we help each other to get dignity, and autonomy, and freedom. We’re here to help each other.

I am curious how Steinem's point of view fits in with the current realm of the HeforShe movement spearheaded by a very beautiful, white Emma Watson.  Perhaps before we spend energy redefining what "feminism" is to gain the support of males, we should spend more time unifying and/or acknowledging the complexities of the female gender... the countless races, sexual orientations, disabilities, and differences that it wonderfully encompasses.

Catch her interview in the video at the MarySue site.

Female Rockstar/ Feminist Anthem

Just wanted to share this Gem/Froot from a female and feminist rockstar! Some lines have really sparked debate about what feminism is, but I feel all Marina is saying that women can be whatever the heck they want to be!

"Can't Pin Me Down"

Marina and the Diamonds

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Wsi2xvbTwQw 

You can paint me any color
And I can be your clown
But you ain't got my number
No, you can't pin me down
Yeah, you can't pin me down
Yeah, you can't pin me down

Now I got your back up
What do you not like
Do you think I'm stuck-up
'Cause I'm always picking fights
You might think I'm one thing, but I am another
You can't call my bluff
Time to back off, motherfucker

Do you really want me to write a feminist anthem
I'm happy cooking dinner in the kitchen for my husband
Yeah, yeah

A Feminist Abroad

This week marks three months since I returned to the US after taking a nearly two-week trip to New Zealand. I have tried writing blog posts about this trip in the weeks since my return, but I've been unable to put my experience into words. Then I realized that I had too much to write about, so I would simply split it up into several different posts. They might be themed posts, they might not be. Either way, I've got a lot to say about my trip, and I feel like this is a great space to really explore the things that happened, and how they impacted me.

I first decided to go to New Zealand about 6 years ago, when I was a junior in college. I don't know why, but once the idea of it was planted in my head, I knew it was something that I absolutely had to make happen. When the time came that I was financially (and physically...damn knees) capable of taking the trip, I booked it and never regretted it. I had originally planned on going with friends, but none were able to swing it when I was ready to go. I didn't hesitate to book a solo trip, and I'm incredibly glad that I did so. 

The reactions I got when people found out I was flying across the globe and venturing around completely alone were unexpected. There was the "Oh my gosh, that's sounds awesome! Wait, you're going alone? Aren't you scared?" response. Why would it surprise people that I was traveling alone? Is it because I'm a young, white female? Why would I be scared? How would having someone else with me make it any less dangerous? Obviously, this was a decision I made for myself. It wasn't something I was forced into, I wanted to do it. I knew exactly what I was signing up for when I booked the trip. It's not like I haven't had experience in unfamiliar places while alone. I've moved away and attended schools out of state, where I knew not a single soul, not once but twice. I managed to come out of both experiences relatively unscathed. Why would a two week trip be any different? I also got a few "You're going by yourself? Wow. That's really impressive. That takes guts. I really respect that." reactions. Those caught me off guard more than the "Aren't you scared" responses. Is it really that out of the ordinary for a female-identified person to travel alone these days? According to a 2013 Consumer Affairs article, no, it's not. One of the reasons cited for solo travel in the article was one of my main reasons for going alone. I wanted a vacation where I got to do what I wanted to do, whenever I wanted to do it. Something about that type of travel-selfishness felt decidedly un-womanly, since society tells us that it's terrible to be simultaneously female and selfish. So I flipped societal expectations the bird, took that feeling and ran with it, and had the time of my life while coming back all the better for it.

I went to New Zealand with an open mind, flexibility to roll with whatever happened (good or bad), and a sense of adventure. Ever since moving back to Ohio after grad school, I had become incredibly complacent with everything in my life. I had a routine: get up, go to work, come home, eat a boring dinner, watch tv/read a book/do whatever, go to bed. I was in a deep rut and didn't realize it. While I was traveling, I tried new foods that I never would have at home, I completely unplugged from all technology, except for a half hour or so each day that was dedicated to keeping a video journal on my phone, and I tried new activities. I went and strapped myself to a middle-aged man in Queenstown and ran off a mountain with him, paragliding our way over a it and landing in a field. I openly talked with strangers about anything and everything, which was especially shocking considering that I am usually crippled by my horrible social anxiety. The morning of my return flight home out of Auckland, I knew that I would not be returning as the same person that I was when I had left. The complacency that had plagued me for months and months without me even realizing it was gone. My mind had been reinvigorated, and I never wanted to slip back into the numbness that seems to be a side effect of my every day office job. So, at 10 am the morning of my return flight, I got a tattoo. It serves as a reminder of several things. It reminds me of the person I was when I was there, and pushes me to be better, to do better, and many other things. It also represents something else. The tattoo I got is the outline of New Zealand, filled in around the shape of the silver fern. I chose this design because New Zealand seems like a place that has things figured out. The silver fern is a plant with a leaf that is dark green on one side, and rather lightly colored on the other. The kiwis chose this as their national symbol of sorts in part because each side of the silver fern represents the citizens who live there, the native Maori people, as well as the Europeans who built settlements on the islands, united and represented together. It honors difference and similarity, all at once, which I believe is something that everyone, as humans, can do.

I see that tattoo every day, and I'm reminded of why I got it, how I felt when I got it, and what I want to do in the future to honor the reasons I got it. None of this would have happened if I had waited for a friend to go with me on this trip. If I had decided to "play it safe" and go somewhere closer, somewhere more familiar.  I don't think I'm the "play it safe" kind of person anymore. And I couldn't be happier about that.