This
year, I celebrated New Year’s Eve at my local hospital. Why? I was having my
second knee surgery in a little over a year. Suffice it to say that it was an
intense, invasive procedure. During my recovery, I found myself thinking about
a few different issues. This post might just be the beginning of these musings,
with more to come as my recovery progresses.
I’ve
been on crutches since New Year’s Eve, and I will be on crutches for the
foreseeable future. This is largely due to the nature of the surgery I had, and
so far, it has been an exercise in frustration. The most frustrating part, at
least for me, is when I interact with people while I am out and about. As I go
to the grocery store, or get in the elevator at work, I find myself being
treated like a complete invalid. At one point, a woman got into the elevator
with me, and as I went to push the button to go to my floor, she all but
knocked me over in order to “help” me push it. For the record, it was six
inches from my hand. While walking into my office from the parking lot, I’ve
had at least three men offer to help me, despite the fact that I was making my
way to the door just fine. This got me thinking. If I were a man, would so many
people be scrambling to help me? It is impossible for me to separate out my
gendered experiences from my experiences on crutches, but it’s still something
I think about as I hobble from one place to another. I can’t think of an
instance where I witnessed a relatively young man receive help due to a
temporary injury.
Throughout
my post-op experience, I’ve also found myself struggling with thoughts
concerning my appearance. Since my surgery, I’ve lost weight and gained a very,
very large scar. I’m a naturally thin person so the weight loss only concerns
me when I have to go to work, as I have that slightly pinched, unhealthy look
of someone who has recently been very ill. I counter this with my baggiest work
clothes, and go on with my day. The biggest problem I’m dealing with is my
surgical scar. I know that in time, it will fade, but there are days where I
look at it, and have a breakdown. While I’m not normally a person who is overly
concerned with my appearance, society has still taught me to reject that which
is abnormal, different, or ugly. Try as I might, I care about having a large,
ugly purple scar on my leg, and find myself being horribly self-conscious about
it. I know it’s ridiculous to be
so worried about it, because it’s not something that could be prevented, yet I
find myself wanting to keep it covered at all times, even when no one else is
around. In time, I’m sure that my attitude will shift and become one of
indifference, but until then, I’ll be stuck in my own mind, wondering why I let
societal expectations get to me.
Hey M! Sorry to hear about your health troubles! Thanks for sharing your experiences. Your thoughts on the gendered nature of people helping strangers made me think of this recent article: It's a really comprehensive breakdown of why our modern understanding of "chivalry" hurts everyone. http://www.policymic.com/articles/82085/5-great-reasons-modern-women-should-celebrate-the-death-of-chivalry
ReplyDeleteAlso, it's really hard to deal with body issues. As you say, I'm sure you'll make your peace with the changes in your bodies, but it is rarely easy-- whether those changes are big or small. I wish gender role and social pressures made it easier for people to work through these things at their own pace, and not have to worry so much about dealing the range of reactions that changes and differences in our bodies might trigger in other people. I also think people in general often treat women's bodies as sort of communal property: free to comment, offer suggestions/observations, need group participation, assume fragility/weakness . . . which especially sucks for someone who is self-conscious, private, independent, or just dealing with stuff . . . I don't think people treat men's bodies in the same way, but rather respect their wishes and desire to work things out on a private or personal level. If I see a stranger who I think needs assistance, I always try to ask them if they need help before just assuming I know what they want/need.
ReplyDeleteThanks for recommending that article, L. Also, you're spot on about the viewing of women's bodies as an object to be consumed and commented on. It's why I'm not a huge fan of going to physical therapy. I can't tell you how many (unwanted) comments I've gotten about my leg's appearance.
ReplyDeleteFirst off: hello and I've been following the blog since L shared it with me (we went to college together!). Best wishes for a swift recovery, too.
ReplyDeleteWhen I broke my ankle in college and had screws surgically placed, I witnessed first hand just how complicated it is to be "disabled." Drivers would get frustrated as I took awhile to crutch across the street. It took longer to get to class because I had to wait for slow, antiquated elevators. I can sympathize with the suffocating offers for help, too.
After 6 weeks in a cast, my right leg was majorly atrophied. In addition, my left thigh and hamstring were rock hard from overuse. Frustrating? Yes. Using a walking boot afterwards, extremely painful as muscles became used again. 4 months of PT? Annoying and painful. But it was during my recovery I witnessed how much a little each day ends up in an amazing result: full range of motion and strength returning to the ankle, picking up new health habits post surgery, etc. My surgery (and scars) became a testament to my will and perseverance.
However, what I didn't expect after my walking boot came off, were comments from people that I didn't "walk like a lady" - from even my parents' close friends (way to pick on your friend's kid, people)! Though I never enjoyed wearing high heels (even for professional reasons), I absolutely cannot due to permanent scar tissue and soreness in my right ankle. In fact, my ankle appears very strange when I wear dress sandals/summer shoes, such that I avoid anything other than a particular pair of comfy Nike thongs or my trusty Keens. I've gotten into several 'arguments' as a bridesmaid with the bride over what shoes I can wear to her wedding. On the other hand, my brother recently had an ankle injury, and none of these post-accident issues are valid for him. Likewise, he did not get the suffocating offers for help. I think gender played a role…
Wow, I've never really thought about this gendered aspect of physical recovery before. Thanks so much to both of you for sharing. Women's bodies are so socially complicated, it make sense that those complications spill over and add an additional layer of difficulty to real health situations.
ReplyDelete