Liberating Myself through Zumba

In the fall, I did something I had never done before.  I started taking Zumba classes at the gym.  Being in situations where I don't know the proper code of conduct and etiquette REALLY stressed me out.  And I'm also an introvert.  And I'm also extremely self-conscious of not being good at things.

But I started going to Zumba anyway because it was something that looked fun, and I am trying to do more things that challenge me and overcome all those petty fears and self-doubt.  I discovered that I really LOVE Zumba!

I don't love Zumba because I really good at it.  I'm not.  There any many people that are better at it than I am.  But being in Zumba classes with different women, the same women, and the random male who occasionally shows up has helped me form a new frame of mind towards my body and the bodies of other women.  Here are some things Zumba has shown me and helped me experience:

An Insight Into the 21st Century Man: Feminist and Sexist

A online study of 818 men was published recently, entitled: The Shriver Report Snapshot: An Insight Into the Modern American Man.  The survey reports to be representative of the adult male population and explores potentially controversial and sensitive topics such as attitudes about gender and sex. Interestingly some answers are very supportive of female advancement, while others seem to point out the need for increased gender equality. 

Generational Differences: Now vs. Then

For example, 45% of men said it was harder to be a man now than in his father's generation. Why?

... men are most likely to say this is due to women attaining a stronger position in the workplace, a stronger position financially, and greater gender equality. These men also cite negative assumptions about men, a more competitive job market, greater household responsibilities for men, and greater expectations for men in society today. The following are a number of verbatim responses from survey respondents:

“In my dad’s day, women stayed home and the men worked. Now, both men and women work in the same area as men do, so it’s hard for us to be men.” 

“With the blending of the gender roles and the fact that society is not dependent upon physical labor as much as it used to be, the traditional roles that men play have been dismissed.” 

“If you stand up as a man, it is taken as putting females down. No more ‘Man of the House.’” 

“Each generation has its challenges. In the past, it was men conforming to rigid role expectations. In our generation, a man has more challenges finding his own way."

Interestingly, men who say it is easier to live in this generation (20%) cite the same reasons of gender and social changes.

Gender roles in the workplace

Wonderfully, most of the men expressed comfort with the empowerment of women in the workplace. But while feeling comfortable and able to work around female bosses...

56% of men agree that, generally speaking, men are more concerned about making good impressions and earning the respect of other men than earning the respect of women.

... which to me indicates that the opinion of a women is not as important as that of a man.

Men are also very comfortable with their partner working outside the home and most were at least "somewhat" comfortable working for a woman.  However, less than half were at least "somewhat" comfortable staying home to take care of the children.  Thus, if women are working outside the home more often, who is expected to bear the responsibility for raising the children?  A possible answer:

34% say that they take on a greater share of the household responsibilities than their wife or female partner does.
And among those who have children at home, 24% say that they take on a greater share of parenting responsibilities than their wife or female partner does.

Unfortunately, the survey did not ask about relationships where men and women had equal division of labor.  Additionally, a vast majority of men reported feeling comfortable with a female president of the United States

Admirable qualities in a wife vs. a daughter
 As a great positive, intelligence was rated highly as desirable qualities in both a wife and daughter. Men also hoped for an attractive wife while an attractive daughter was not as highly prized.  However, the men reported hoping for independence in a daughter far more often than having independence in their partner.  A similar pattern appeared for the quality of strength.  Wonderfully, homemaker and deferential were far at the bottom of the list for both wife and daughter.

The 21st Century Individual

This short study provides some very interesting information.  Of course not all studies are representative of all populations and individuals, but they can point out overall trends.  In my opinion, the women's movement has made great advances, but still has areas of work.  Superbly, men are supportive of women in the workplace and even as the president of the United States.  However, while men are supportive of their spouses working outside the home, there is less of an equal redistribution of household labor.  This may indicate that women are becoming responsible both for their job and the household.  Additionally, independence and strength were not valuable in a spouse as other qualities such as attractiveness and sweetness.  Finally, women are seen as having a negative overall impact on the career success of men and their opinion is not as valuable as that of a man's. Thus while men are much more supportive of female professional empowerment, continued underlying biases may limit the true potential of the 21st Century Woman.

To read more about the study's conclusions and access the survey and data: click here.

 

DGAF & other tips to succeed

Why Are We Waiting So Long To Not GAF?

Article 1 By Jaya Saxena

A few weeks ago, I read this spectacular article entitled: Why are we waiting so long to not GAF? In the article, Ms. Saxena is thinking about some ugly shoes that are super comfortable and wondering when she will be of an age where wearing ugly shoes is free from worry about appearance etc.  But then she questions: why are we even waiting at all?

But on the other, so many young women (and I assume men) see their DGAF years as a future goal, as if there's a magical age where we'll be able to let go and stop caring and find that contentment (usually it's placed somewhere around 40). We're tapping into DGAF culture with the caftans and the "mom jeans" and the ugly sandals, which have typically been the sartorial choices of older women, but we won't allow ourselves the lifestyle yet.

I'm also all for self-care and meditation and leaning out and you doing you. But there's this idea that it has to start later, at some intangible date when the grind is done, and that's just not the case. I think everyone knows there's no such thing as that "elusive internal utopia," no matter how much you've lived and learned and gotten over it.
I want to just not give a fuck now, if utopia is never coming. Not in like an "abandon all responsibilities" way, but where I can wear ugly shoes and comfy jeans and only do makeup sometimes and not have it be a result of a lifetime of trying. We already know that's the lesson, so let's learn it now.

I love this article.  While Ms. Saxena's thought process revolves around ugly shoes, I think what she is saying has larger implications.  She even tagged the article as "leaning-out."

IDGAF & Feminism

All this reminds me of Morghan's last post. "Feminist" seems to be a dirty word.  Someone I know recently explained their reasoning for not using the word feminist and clarified:

This post was more directed towards the extremists who think they don't have equal rights here, tell me I'm oppressed, or believe that in order for gender equality to happen, women need to be the superior being. In a sense, yes I am for gender equality, but I'm also for formal equality where all people should be treated like equals... I don't fight for gender equality in the United States because I believe that we already have gender equality.

Feminists are those crazy bra-burning women who hate men.  The obvious feminist Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie writes that she ended up trying to call herself a Happy African Feminist Who Does Not Hate Men And Who Likes To Wear Lip Gloss And High Heels For Herself And Not For Men. Adichie gives a definition of feminist [a person who believes in the social, political and economic equality of the sexes] which to me sounds very similar to the ideas my anonymous poster wrote above.

What both Adichie and Morghan in her last post seem to have done is decided to not GAF. Adichie supports equality of the sexes [aka is a feminist] and is very clear about that. She has a great book modified from a TED talk entitled We should all be feminists where she examines problems and solutions from both gender angles. Pretty extreme.  On the other hand, Morghan seems to be fed up with all these semantics and microagressions where playing nice really gets you nowhere. She questions, "Why should I strive to claw tiny bits of respect from an oppressive system when I can build my own environment that meets my needs and goals?" Why not say IDGAF about what you think... lets do me... lets build a supportive environment for myself and the people I work with?

If doing what is best for you [wearing ugly shoes/working outside the patriarchy] is radical and extreme ... then hey, we should all be radical/extreme feminists.

IDGAF & Success
But maybe there is a chance that being radical and not GAF about the normal, unfair way of doing things is detrimental to your success.  Maybe "doing you" and  "building a supportive environment for myself and the people I work with" is the wrong way to go.  So lets check out some interviews of "34 of NYCs Most Powerful Women" and see what their Tips for Becoming Boss are.

1) Focus on yourself and your passions:

Heather Marie, Founder & CEO, Shoppable
"Create your own 'luck.' By working hard, you will create opportunities and prepare yourself to take advantage of them when they cross your path. That's the truth about luck: We can all be 'lucky.'"

Kahlana Barfield, Editor-At-Large, InStyle Magazine
"Set goals for yourself. Write them down and give yourself deadlines so you have something to work for. And, don't compare yourself to people. Play up your own strengths and be your own competition."

Whitney Tingle & Danielle DuBoise, Founders, Sakara Life
Danielle DuBoise: "Remember that there are no rules whatsoever. Every rule that was ever made was made by someone, so it can be remade and reimagined. And, act from a place of love, always."

2) Find mentors and build community

Stephanie Abrams & Courtney Spritzer, Cofounders and Co-CEOs, Socialfly
"When starting a business, remember that you will not know all of the answers. You have to be willing to ask for help when you are not sure what to do. Build a support system and a network of advisors. Listening and learning from others has been one of the keys to our success."

Joanna Vargas, Celebrity Facialist & Founder, Joanna Vargas Salon & Skincare Collection
"Number one: Surround yourself with the right people. I have been lucky enough to have met some amazing and inspiring women over the years. I have a very tight-knit group of friends, who are all CEOs in fashion and beauty, who I turn to for advice or just someone to vent to. It's great, because we all understand where we are in our careers. I hire women in a similar way that I choose friends — I hire women I respect and admire, who I can learn from, and who really want to learn and grow themselves.

Polly Payne, Founder, Horacio Printing; Sales Director, TripleLift
"Number one: Seek out many mentors that have your dream job and ask them as many questions as possible. Ask them about their story and how they got there. You have to be willing to admit that you need help and you that want to learn. By building relationships with the high-level executives at your office, you will get the opportunity to champion new projects. I have been privileged to have incredible mentors, some of which came in the form of incredible self-help books.

3) Work against outside influences that may limit you [aka discrimination and bias]

Claire Chambers, Founder, Journelle
"Women are programmed from an early age to be good listeners, so it took me a while to learn to appreciate feedback and go in another direction when my intuition or knowledge said something different.
"When I was starting Journelle, everyone I spoke with — vendors, investors, friends, family, and even people on the street or at a bar — had a well-intentioned opinion, and most of them were at odds with each other. Today, the most important feedback that I rely on comes from two groups — customers and employees — and I routinely tell women I mentor to listen to everything, but hear selectively."

Ambra Medda, Cofounder, Design Miami/; Cofounder & Creative Director, L'ArcoBaleno; Global Creative Director, 20/21 Design Department, Christie's
"I had the great fortune of starting my career very early. I think maybe not knowing too much, and really just relying on my instinct and collaborative spirit was what kept me so charged. The best career advice I was given was: 'Go BIG or go home.' I've been thinking big all my life and challenging what is considered normal. It makes you realize how we can be our own barrier or our own best advocate. You have to believe in yourself and trust your instinct, especially to get you through the really hard patches when things are super challenging."

Sadie Kurzban, Founder & CEO, ((305)) Fitness
“Be direct. Because I never had a ‘real’ job — I started ((305)) Fitness right out of college — I don't understand the niceties of office politics. This has really worked in my favor in building a successful business quickly; I am direct with vendors, investors, and my employees. I don't waste time asking, 'Do you maybe happen to have a contact at so and so? But, please, don't worry if you don't!" Instead I'll simply ask: 'Can I please have so and so's contact info?' The worst someone can say is no. If you don't ask, you can't get."

'We must do better'

Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie writes at the end of her short book, "My own definition of a feminist is a man or a woman who says, 'Yes there's a problem with gender as it is today and we must fix it, we must to better."  I agree.  Lets stop GAF about the semantics, who thinks what, or waiting for that proverbial utopia of equality to waltz along.  Over the course of the past few posts, we have been discussing how we as individuals can make it better.  It seems now we have a few tools to work with to improve our environment and to achieve success.

Equality is Dead! Long Live the Liberation!

As a follower of the amazing Feminist Frequency site, I recently became aware of the All About Women Festival 2015 held at the Sydney Opera House (Australia) last month.  Luckily for all of us who missed it, many of the panel sessions were recorded and are available on YouTube (channel here).  While I would recommend viewing all the videos, I particularly recommend the "What I Couldn't Say" and the "How to Be a Feminist" segments.

While I cannot begin to summarize all the fascinating discussion, the discourse drastically changed my view of feminism and its goals, particularly in relation to "gender equality."

When discussing the definition and goals of "feminism," several panelists in the How to Be a Feminist discussion pushed back against the idea of gender equality as the primary or ultimate goal of their movement.

First, several of the women argued that equality is a slippery term.  Equal to what or whom?  Affluent white males?  Is that really the best objective?  The more I thought about it, the more I agreed.

Feminism: Gloria Steinem and Black Women

Gloria Steinem & Dorothy Pitman-Hughes

While at the Black Enterprise’s Women Of Power Summit Gloria Steinem (a noted feminist) made some important comments on race and feminism.  Back in the 1970s Steinem made some "courageous" moves to place a black woman (Pam Grier) on the cover of her Ms. Magazine and published work by Alice Walker, eventually making her one of the first black editors at the publication. However, in a quick interview at the Summit, Steinem is clear not to paint herself as a savior of these women.  Instead, she says:

I thought they [black women] invented the feminist movement. I’ve learned feminism disproportionately from black women. I realize that things being what they are, the white middle-class part of the movement got reported more, but if you look at the numbers and the very first poll of women responding to feminist issues, African American women were twice as likely to support feminism and feminist issues than white women.

The article discussing her interview (theMarySue) explores the importance of this viewpoint in the following sentences:

But as she [Steinem] herself noted, there’s always a reason when any certain person gets held up as a movement’s hero, and in her case her face and body happened to coincide with the white middle class face of the second wave that was pushed forth the most. And therein lies a key to the third wave: Acknowledging that intersectionality has always been crucial to the movement but that women of color, non-cis women, and other categories of non-white non-middle-/upper-class women have historically been pushed to the fringes and left out of the record of their own achievements and struggles.

To conclude the article/interview, Steinem is asked what she would do to help address this issue, to address the women of other races or backgrounds that feel left out of the feminist movement.  Her reply is wonderfully sincere and insightful:

I wouldn’t say anything, I’d listen. The point is that we help each other to get dignity, and autonomy, and freedom. We’re here to help each other.

I am curious how Steinem's point of view fits in with the current realm of the HeforShe movement spearheaded by a very beautiful, white Emma Watson.  Perhaps before we spend energy redefining what "feminism" is to gain the support of males, we should spend more time unifying and/or acknowledging the complexities of the female gender... the countless races, sexual orientations, disabilities, and differences that it wonderfully encompasses.

Catch her interview in the video at the MarySue site.

Female Rockstar/ Feminist Anthem

Just wanted to share this Gem/Froot from a female and feminist rockstar! Some lines have really sparked debate about what feminism is, but I feel all Marina is saying that women can be whatever the heck they want to be!

"Can't Pin Me Down"

Marina and the Diamonds

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Wsi2xvbTwQw 

You can paint me any color
And I can be your clown
But you ain't got my number
No, you can't pin me down
Yeah, you can't pin me down
Yeah, you can't pin me down

Now I got your back up
What do you not like
Do you think I'm stuck-up
'Cause I'm always picking fights
You might think I'm one thing, but I am another
You can't call my bluff
Time to back off, motherfucker

Do you really want me to write a feminist anthem
I'm happy cooking dinner in the kitchen for my husband
Yeah, yeah

A Feminist Abroad

This week marks three months since I returned to the US after taking a nearly two-week trip to New Zealand. I have tried writing blog posts about this trip in the weeks since my return, but I've been unable to put my experience into words. Then I realized that I had too much to write about, so I would simply split it up into several different posts. They might be themed posts, they might not be. Either way, I've got a lot to say about my trip, and I feel like this is a great space to really explore the things that happened, and how they impacted me.

I first decided to go to New Zealand about 6 years ago, when I was a junior in college. I don't know why, but once the idea of it was planted in my head, I knew it was something that I absolutely had to make happen. When the time came that I was financially (and physically...damn knees) capable of taking the trip, I booked it and never regretted it. I had originally planned on going with friends, but none were able to swing it when I was ready to go. I didn't hesitate to book a solo trip, and I'm incredibly glad that I did so. 

The reactions I got when people found out I was flying across the globe and venturing around completely alone were unexpected. There was the "Oh my gosh, that's sounds awesome! Wait, you're going alone? Aren't you scared?" response. Why would it surprise people that I was traveling alone? Is it because I'm a young, white female? Why would I be scared? How would having someone else with me make it any less dangerous? Obviously, this was a decision I made for myself. It wasn't something I was forced into, I wanted to do it. I knew exactly what I was signing up for when I booked the trip. It's not like I haven't had experience in unfamiliar places while alone. I've moved away and attended schools out of state, where I knew not a single soul, not once but twice. I managed to come out of both experiences relatively unscathed. Why would a two week trip be any different? I also got a few "You're going by yourself? Wow. That's really impressive. That takes guts. I really respect that." reactions. Those caught me off guard more than the "Aren't you scared" responses. Is it really that out of the ordinary for a female-identified person to travel alone these days? According to a 2013 Consumer Affairs article, no, it's not. One of the reasons cited for solo travel in the article was one of my main reasons for going alone. I wanted a vacation where I got to do what I wanted to do, whenever I wanted to do it. Something about that type of travel-selfishness felt decidedly un-womanly, since society tells us that it's terrible to be simultaneously female and selfish. So I flipped societal expectations the bird, took that feeling and ran with it, and had the time of my life while coming back all the better for it.

I went to New Zealand with an open mind, flexibility to roll with whatever happened (good or bad), and a sense of adventure. Ever since moving back to Ohio after grad school, I had become incredibly complacent with everything in my life. I had a routine: get up, go to work, come home, eat a boring dinner, watch tv/read a book/do whatever, go to bed. I was in a deep rut and didn't realize it. While I was traveling, I tried new foods that I never would have at home, I completely unplugged from all technology, except for a half hour or so each day that was dedicated to keeping a video journal on my phone, and I tried new activities. I went and strapped myself to a middle-aged man in Queenstown and ran off a mountain with him, paragliding our way over a it and landing in a field. I openly talked with strangers about anything and everything, which was especially shocking considering that I am usually crippled by my horrible social anxiety. The morning of my return flight home out of Auckland, I knew that I would not be returning as the same person that I was when I had left. The complacency that had plagued me for months and months without me even realizing it was gone. My mind had been reinvigorated, and I never wanted to slip back into the numbness that seems to be a side effect of my every day office job. So, at 10 am the morning of my return flight, I got a tattoo. It serves as a reminder of several things. It reminds me of the person I was when I was there, and pushes me to be better, to do better, and many other things. It also represents something else. The tattoo I got is the outline of New Zealand, filled in around the shape of the silver fern. I chose this design because New Zealand seems like a place that has things figured out. The silver fern is a plant with a leaf that is dark green on one side, and rather lightly colored on the other. The kiwis chose this as their national symbol of sorts in part because each side of the silver fern represents the citizens who live there, the native Maori people, as well as the Europeans who built settlements on the islands, united and represented together. It honors difference and similarity, all at once, which I believe is something that everyone, as humans, can do.

I see that tattoo every day, and I'm reminded of why I got it, how I felt when I got it, and what I want to do in the future to honor the reasons I got it. None of this would have happened if I had waited for a friend to go with me on this trip. If I had decided to "play it safe" and go somewhere closer, somewhere more familiar.  I don't think I'm the "play it safe" kind of person anymore. And I couldn't be happier about that. 

#DearMe - advice to my younger self

For International Women's Day, YouTube has asked women to record messages of advice and encouragement for their younger selves.  I decided to give it a try, although I didn't want to do a video.  #dearme

Dear L,

 
As I sit down to write this message to you, I realize how much I wish I was more like you.  
 
You are brilliant.  You have great ideas.  You love learning.  You care about stuff.  You care about truth.  You have ideals.  You are passionate about things and you want to jump into them and explore them and immerse yourself.

You are adamant about staying true to who you are and what you believe.  This doesn’t make you popular and this doesn’t help you fit in all the time, but you never regret it.

It’s true that sometimes other people don’t like the way you are because they don’t want to deal with you, and because they are too afraid to look at things differently or to question the status quo, and the way you are challenges them to reconsider things that make them uncomfortable.  But that doesn’t mean you are wrong and that doesn’t mean you should stop.  Things need to be changed, and you know that most of the time 'being popular' and 'fitting in' are meaningless when you don’t stand for anything and you don’t believe in yourself.

I want you to hold onto all those things.   Those things are what put you on your path to fulfillment. It’s hard sometimes.  Use those things as your guiding light and find your way back. And maybe these pieces of advice will help you do that:

Article Roundup: Sugar Daddies, Damaged Goods, Health Apps, and Navel Gazing

Looking through my bookmarks, I noticed many un-blogged articles touching on women's issues. Here are four interesting articles from The Atlantic that you might have missed over the past few months.

Student Debt & Sugar Daddies

Many young people today struggle to pay for their educations and the mounting student debt that often comes with them.  One increasingly popular solution for young women appears to be sugar daddies:  

"Many of them use SeekingArrangement, which describes itself as "the world’s largest Sugar Daddy dating site." More than 1.4 million students have signed up as members, including nearly 1 million in the U.S., according to the company. The website claims that 42 percent of its members are students, many of whom are incentivized by SeekingArrangement to join; people who sign up with a .edu email address or show proof of enrollment, for example, receive "premium memberships" for free."

Women are rockstars too!

I'm coming off my high of seeing Sleater-Kinney completely blow away Terminal 5 in NYC last weekend and thinking a lot about this article I read earlier this week about the lack of female musicians booked for festivals in the UK. Definitely read it, even though it's about UK festivals it completely carries over to festivals in the United States and is also very telling of the music business overall. It's worth noting how the line-up images look when they only include acts that include a female musician in the band.

They're practically empty!

When was the last time a band led by a female (or even including a female musician) headlined a major music festival? Obviously there may be exceptions but I have found them to be very rare.

As a lover of music, I am beyond frustrated that others actually believe that female musicians are not as talented as their male counterparts. Obviously music preferences is all based on individual tastes but there is no argument to be had for talent.

This article hits the nail on the head: